Saturated

Lines of words and figures stared back at him, but it was pointless. All of it meant nothing to him. Clueless.

He tried so hard but why isn't anything going through his mind! What was the problem? He ran his fingers through his hair, stopping them in between the strands of his head. His grips tightened against the roots of his scalp. The stress was eating into to him, every ounce of his energy taken away as he continued to stare. Just stare...

Every moment the clock ticks, his heart beated faster. It was coming. He forced himself to focus, but he knew he could not. It was useless...

"Why can't I be as smart as the others? Am I really dumb? Does hard work really pays off in the end? Crap. Bull. It does not! This world is unfair! It is made this way and no one can ever change that! Dirt. Backstabs. The dark side where no one is treated well. That is it! If this world was such a beautiful place, those people who work their ass off should be rewarded with what they deserve and not anyone else claiming it as their own! Unfairness."

Although all these were engraved in his mind, nothing could change the fact. He knew...

His grip loosen, falling frm his head, burying his face within...

Is life like the clouds in the sky?

Laying down on a green field looking at the horizon from above him, clouds strided across the sky, passing him at different speeds. "Does that mean anything?" He wondered.
The clouds reminded him of thoughts like dream bubbles, floating pass his mind. Fast paced yet sometimes slow.

The clear blue sky was like his mind. The white clouds seemed to represent one's hopes and dreams. Far and out reached. The only way to achieve them is to stretch out to the maximum and hold on to it tightly. If one did not reach out in time, it will just float pass. " Was this happening during the past 19 days of my new life? Seeing my dream, hope and wants slip away in front of my eyes?"

He pondered, staring at a dark cloud that was soon appearing from the side of his eyes, covering streams of sunlight, taking over like a piece of black cloth. Darkness was approaching.

These dark clouds seemed to be thoughts of one's inner most desires. Greed. Love. Revenge. Sexual. Something that would be wrong if the mind acted it out. He was guilty of such clouds floating through that vast sky in his head. "Is it right to be thinking of such stuff?"

Life. That was it. Something he could only control to a certain limit. There was a world above him that he knew he will not understand. Fated would be the word to use. A chinese saying was once told to him : Before you were born on this very earth, it is already known when you will leave this world. Is life already pre-destined? Just like the clouds in the sky? Will our thoughts be there because it was a "written" rule?

His eyes closed....

Stupid Question with a Stupid Reply

Logical yet true...


1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't you know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia... why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

5. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

6. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

7. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

8. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!

A New Chapter unfolds...

Closing of a chapter with a question mark made me ponder a lot of what type of person I was before and what type of a person I would be now.

I've realised that life was taken for granted. The existance of people around me, the care and concern given, friends, time, everything. Words of advices were fell on deaf ears. Love given was not returned and yet rejected. Everything was given a negative treatment. Uncherished.

The fact of losing someone loved closed the gap within the members of my family. I've learnt that cherishing something now only takes a little effort everyday than to grief deeply after it is gone.

For love, it is unavoidable to want someone who could give u that something special, yet the price to pay for a wrong move can be so deadly. Hurtful would be the word to use in this case. From the past experiences, I somehow realised that I have 'down graded' myself till the extend that I was not myself infront of guys, pretending to be someone else just to get attention or trying hard to withdraw the real me to suit the "typical" girl guys would fall for. Sounds ridiculous? I know. It is hard to control such emotions but a new chapter would mean a new start.

Now, I would stand strong and be who I really am. If they are unable to accept, then it shall be. It is just frustrating to hide behind a mask and not show them the real you. Yet one has to know the right attitude of "being yourself". That I would definately take in mind. My heart will never sway so easily again. If love is said to belong to me and that special him, fate will tell...

As for my appearance, if one would stare at me, I will not let it take me down. Never again would I let my mother tear because of my suffering. Never. It will not be a factor that would affect my confidence level ever.

In the apsects of studies, church, my circle of friends, family and commitments, it will be the focus of my new chapter. It will be fullfilled to my best abilities no matter how hard it will take., how long the journey will be because I know that the Lord will always be there with me, in my heart.

I think if you are reading this , you might probably be laughing at it or maybe thinking what type of a weirdo I am.

All I hope is that this new chapter will flow peaceful and His will be done...

looking back..

Once again, a chapter of my life has ended. A new chapter will soon unfold right before me. It will be exciting yet scary at the same time. No one knows what will happen but only Him from up above...

Looking at back 2004, even though it was a short 365 days of my life, somehow it made me a different person that I am now.

Many things had happened especially at the last few pages of the chapter. Maybe that is why novels end this way too.

The start of the chapter was a little stale, nothing really 'wow' happened. I went into a new environment, got to know new friends. Initially, I was complaining like a crazy girl, not liking where I was, not able to have what I had last time. I was forced to grow up in that environment, to be independent of myself and of others around me. I passed through my first semester of school just like that, slacking around and enjoying myself like crazy. It was only when I received my results that I realised I could have done so much better if I made an effort to work harder. Thank goodness I was able to pull through.

As the chapter progresses, like a typical novel, my life started to spice up a little. Experienced love, had some nice moments, some really nasty ones too. Normal girl issues, cat fights, break ups, seen it all.

It was till the end that I realised that it was a turning point in my life, that makes me what I will be in the chapter to come. Somehow, everything that was suppose to happen within 2004, was kept till the finale. Event after event happened. It rushed to me like a million arrows, targeted to shoot me down and it did. The death of my dear Grandfather struck me down like a thunder blot. Hard, painful and shocking. The whole family was so shocked that suddenly my life went into a state of total silence. Mute.

That was not the end. Betrayal and rejection came banging against my door, causing the walls around me to fall again and again. Added to that was the stress i had to bear with from commitments and relationships, my skin problem erupted like a volcano. Red, sore and open wounds was the only thing that could be seen on the surface of my skin. It was unbearable. Too much until I broke down. My mind was exhausted . My heart was aching. I wanted to just hide all these feelings away, lock it up inside, but my mother knew her way in. I felt really bad spilling everything to her. I knew she will blame herself for what I am suffering today. Tears rolled down her cheeks and my heart was shattered. Who would ever want to see their parents cry?

Tailling to the end, the most horrifiying disaster hitted. It claimed the lives of so many people, leaving many homeless. Was the year suppose to end this way?

----- End of Chapter -----