New year without him

A NEW YEAR WITHOUT "HIM"

A New Chinese Year has arrived. It seemed long since the last time I celebrated it.

As I looked at 'him' on the stand at the temple, my heart felt a pang again. Chinese New year will never be the same for me from that time on.

Always remembered the times where we would gather round the table at a Teochew restaurant to have our reunion dinner. My cousins would always guess what the next dish would be, as year after year, it will be the same. Somehow, I stood that for granted.

Sitting right infront of the screen and these words are typed out, I really miss the moments we had, the food on the table, the company and.. my Grandfather. He was the one who held the family together... Things somehow will never be the same again...

Do I really know?

I thought I knew your every thought.

I thought I understood you inside out,

From the way you laugh till the way you frown,

From whatever that was going on through your mind.

I thought there was nothing more...

Yet at times, when slience takes over

My guilt rises, thinking of what I have said and done wrong.

I could not bare to see you angry or sad

When that happens, I feel that I have been thrown to a corner,

To reflect on what I have done wrong to hurt you

Thoughts like "What did I do? Is he angry? Should I not say that?"

But I always come out lost...

Then, fear starts to take over..

My emotions goes crazy and I lose concentration on everything

Because my focus was on you.

I really do not know what to do at times...

Till now I still don't...

All I hope for is some directions, light....

Never Silence

As it cuts me silently... leaving me to bleed

edit-overload

My brain is dead, it is really dead. cannot go on any longer...

dead... dead... dead...dead...dead..

*ctrl+alt+del*


Edit-overload...

limitations

At last, I have learnt how to say 'no' and stop taking so many things into my hands.

My heart fills lighter, life suddenly has a dash of colour, though faded, but it was nothing more than I could ask for...

Everything is piecing itself back together again...

A shattered world I was in, if not that arms that supported me, I would not have live to see the faint colours...

I am only human and they have their limits.

I know mine....

This is what I want...

All along, I was walking through a foggy road. The mist blurred my eyes, the branches from the bare trees scratched against my bare skin, leaving wounds of pain. Each step I took, I tripped and fell hard, yet I kept walking, deeper into the unknown I went, lost. But now, the naive girl I was finally dawned upon the fact that this was not the road that I was meant to walk now...

I wanted so much in life, so much till I was not able to handle. I failed to listen to advices from the people ever so closed to me, who brought me up and knew what was right and wrong for their little ones. I tried to prove that I was do so much, but only know now that I was just a normal girl.

I am already blessed with so many wonderful things, yet I kept asking for more. Overloaded...

But now, after much thinking and my prayers answered, I will embrace what I have now, for all that is given to me, will only be given to me once and never can I lose any of these...

I will embrace whatever I have now as i know this is what I want....


"Let go of your past for you cannot change what as happened but only learn.

Embrace the present when you still have control over it.

Leave the Future till it comes to you for God has already prepared the way for you..."




P.S (To the arms that was always supporting me and holding on as I walked through that foggy road : Thank you for being so patient and you are my gift from God that I will hold on as long as I live...)