the time has come...

In a few hours time, I will at the desk of doom, taking up the challenge that will be put infront of me. Strange thing is, I'll be fighting something that will not ever fight back.

This THING lies there montionless, undisturbed and peaceful, yet this THING mocks me. Whenever I fail to decode it, it will stare back at me blankly without a single word uttered, slowly killing me from within.

If my brain is willing to co-operate, it will not be so bad. It is does not, the THING will just smile back at me as I stare at its "naked-ness", only covered with strings of black lines. Only decoding those lines will strip it off its mockery of my brain

The ever powerful THING is just a piece of paper...

numb

Just got out of dream land after a 2 hours plus nap. Was staring blankly at the numbers scribbled all over the white sheet piled infront of me.

Doom on Monday is staring me in the face but somehow the brain does not seem to get the signal to panic anymore. I guess numbness has took over my emtional functions. From stressed and panick to fear last night, now it has become blank.

I really wonder how I am going to pull through.. wondering wondering....

why do I fear?

It' already 1:20am on the thursday morning. Mugging for my doom day which will soon be approaching.

As I sit in the room now, within the four walls, my heart beat increased. Everytime when a sound was heard, I will jump up of my chair and my heart will skip, in a bad way. It was experiencing a horror movie but in slow motion. It just makes my imagination run wild especially when there were only a few items in the room.

A metal cupboard, a spoiled television set, a fan that can be only switched on and off by cutting its main power source and a rosewood sofa which things belonging to the owner of the room, were at different corners of the room. My study table laid in the middle of everything.

The room echoed every sound I made. Fear was conquring most of my emotions apart from the panick and stress that I have been suffering from every since the start of the study week. The fear of the door opening when everyone is already in bed, the fear of the television suddenly gets turned on for no reason. A good imagination huh.

It is really wrong for me to be feeling this way. This is my home. I should not be thinking of such things and besides this room does not belong to some stranger that I did not know. It was, in fact, occupied by someone closed to my heart. I guess it's just me and my silly imagination , along with a "coward heart"... is that even the right word to use?

The room belongs to my late Grandpa...

Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

Something that I could relate to when I'm lost...

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleepsand I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

fear...

The mintues had turned to hours and hours had turned into days. Without knowing, a few weeks have past me just like that.

The crucial time of my life has arrived again. Looking at me like a hunter, about to shoot down its prey. The past 15 weeks of my semester will be determined in 2 weeks time. Am I not afraid? Am I not in panick mode now? Who isn't. However, there is that feeling of numbness all over me and I guess that feeling does not come alone. It has brought along a friend whom I know very very well. Failure.

I really do not know how am I gonna pull through. Sometimes, the fear of blanking out during the exams haunts me at night. It is like bringing me round in a roller coaster and waking up realising that the ride has ended in cold sweat.

I guess fate will tell if I will pull through that ride or not....

memories

Through the bustling noises at the fruit stall, everything seemed to pause when my sight was focused on an elderly man, purchasing a bunch a banana a couple of steps infront of me. Thoughts of my grandpa came flashing back into my mind.

It was since 10th Dec 04 that he left us but till this very moment, his presence has not faded from my mind.

As I looked at the elderly man, tears started to accumulate at the corner of my eyes. I had to control my emotions for I did not want my Mum to worry, but despite how hard I try to push such a picture out of my mind, the images change and suddenly I see my grandpa standing there, right in front of me, doing what he does in the morning when he was around.

A few days ago, we recevied a handwritten letter from my grandpa's elder sister. When I saw his name written on the envelope, my heart sank. She was still kept in the dark. The content of the letter made my heart cry. She sounded so happy, wishing everyone luck for the new year and great health to everyone in the family and saying that she really hopes to hear from him soon.

I have no idea what I am trying to state here, but I guess I really really miss my Grandpa so much till I just see him in every other elderly person that walks pass. If only he is still around...

Ah gong, if only you knew of my thoughts, I would not have regretted my actions till now...

melt down

A tired mind caused her motions to slow down. It was impossible to go forward. Exhausted, she tried again to pull the load behind her. It did not move.

The saturation of her mind had drained every ounce of her energy away from her body. If she carried on, it would be melt down point.

Every moment, the load got heavier and heavier. It had reached the stage where all the content has started spilling out of that big, bulky wooden cart.

She tries to unload them, one by one, sometimes even by numbers, but it just gets so complicated that her hands begins to get knot up from within. No matter how hard she tries to break free, she just gets suck in again and again.

She does not want to fight anything. It is too exhausting.

The final end is just ahead, that few steps away. Yet all she can only do is to see it from afar...

really stupid

Have you shot by hurtful words? Words that just pierced right through your heart? Well, I have...

Somehow, Being insulted by other people does not affect me as much. They can scold for all I care, but coming out from someone so close, the feeling turns out otherwise.

"You are so stupid!" These words are still floating around in my head. Why does it hurt so much now? I should be used to her tone by now. Does she really mean it? It is really too hurtful to even think back. I don't even know how to express myself now!

Those words came from my Mum. For something that I was wrongly accussed for and not even knowing how to perform a simple task. How am I suppose to know! I have NEVER done that in my life! Oh... I know. I must learn it myself. Yes, what she said was right...

My body heated up till my tears felt warm as they triggered down my cheeks. Anger was overcomed by hurt.

It was too much to bear... just too much....

Maybe I really am stupid.... She has proven it....